INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
You Might Also Like
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me, reading some of your tweets
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.