I’m a:
鈿猰an
鈿獁oman
馃敇cowboyOn a:
鈿猻kateboard
鈿猚arpet
馃敇steel horseI:
鈿猻hred
鈿猣ly
馃敇rideI’m wanted (wanted):
馃敇dead
馃敇alive
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I love the honesty
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
鈥擟annibals
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
HER: help I鈥檓 drowning!
ME: what鈥檚 the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I hate when I鈥檓 trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
women are like cars. sometimes there鈥檚 a squirrel living in there
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him