The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?