WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.