Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.