Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
cry laughing at this shit
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body