From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Good Morning.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.