[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Haha! 😂
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Would you wear it?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds