Festive toon…
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one