Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers