“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself