What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Got ya covered
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it