She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??