This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.