This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You Might Also Like
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Worth a try
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.