But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster