i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy