I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
You Might Also Like
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*lint rolls you awake*
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.