Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
How your email finds me
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.