Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.