I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.