*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The future is now.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Bloody internet 😳
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear