See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
From Facebook just now…
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
This took me a second..
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱