Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
You Might Also Like
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.