Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I don’t get marriage
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend