Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?