*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
You’ll be OK
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*