The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
who wants to go expliring
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
hackers play passwordle
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
nobody’s gonna understand
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud