Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.