I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
B
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.