Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Animal poetry
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶