Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
You Might Also Like
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face