Happy weekend !
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I’ve had relationships like this
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.