Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.