Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Same pineapple, same
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Merica.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.