7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]