Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Sing it!
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal