I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.