[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
You Might Also Like
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.