T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Google Pay be like:
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?