Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me