i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
me: my friends:
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”