Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.