Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Batman v Dracula
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover