I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006