If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Not all heroes wear capes.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.