Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
You learn something every day
I need to update my racial profile.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!