A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.