Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares