Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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respect
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
my nickname in college
A game married people play.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
our love story in four pictures
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time